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Don't Chalk Up the Foul Line to Larry "Yogi" Berra
By Joe Pivetti

What they said Yogi said (Yogi-isms): I never said most of the things I said. We made too many wrong mistakes. Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical. A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious. You should always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours. The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase. I always thought that record would stand until it was broken. No one goes there any more because it's too crowded. It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much. It gets late early out there. If the people don’t want to come out to the ballpark, nobody’s going to stop them. We're lost, but we're making good time. You can observe a lot by watching. It ain't over 'til it's over. It's deja vu all over again. The future ain’t what it used to be. When you come to a fork in the road, take it. If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else. You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six. The mayor's wife told Yogi that "he looked cool in that suit", to which he riposted "you don't look so hot yourself." When Seaver asked "what time is it?", Berra replied "do you mean now?" In theory, there's no difference between theory and practice.  In practice, there is. Pair up in threes. I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4. If the world was perfect, it wouldn't be. Never answer an anonymous letter. Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel. Take it with a grin of salt. I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did. It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility. We were overwhelming underdogs. Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets. You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you. When he overheard someone say "I have to believe it’s even greater than the odds of a Jewish man becoming the mayor of Dublin", Yogi said "only in America." Reacting to a sudden downpour, Yogi said "where's that coming from." When asked what he liked best about school, Yogi said "when its closed." Yogi remembers a teacher once asking him, “Don’t you know anything?” and he said "I don’t even suspect anything." It's [Gooney Bird's perfect game] never happened in World Series history, and it hasn't happened since. Nobody did nothin' to nobody. Slump?  I ain't in no slump...I just ain't hitting.  [It ain't me, it's the bat.] You can’t think and hit at the same time. We have a good time together, even when we're not together.  [Of his wife.] Public speaking is one of the best things I hate. If you can't imitate him, don't copy him. When asked what he'd do if he found a million dollars, Yogi replied "I’d see if I could find the guy that lost it, and if he was poor, I'd give it back." Ninety percent of short putts don't go in.

What they never said Yogi said (Quasi-Yogi-isms): The sum is greater than the spare parts. You get out of it what you don't put in. You'll know where you're going when you stop going. You can't make an omelet without cracking a couple of yolks. When it comes to taking offense in baseball, you gotta hold your stance. He was gonna wax poetic but he put it all on his mustache. In baseball you get three strikes or four balls, but in a bowling shirt, even if you get thirteen strikes, you're not gonna go to no dances. The weather is playing havoc instead of golf. If you can't see what you're doing wrong, you should take a good look at yourself. Who said "you can't talk with your mouth full"? If he makes you itch, you should scratch him off your list. Sure, he can hit a home run, but can he get on base? You can't steal seconds unless you're a little off base. Why go in for the whole deal when you ain't buyin' none of it? Sometimes spring training is just refreshment. Nobody said it because it'd already been said. When life hands you lemons, you make lemon aides stand behind ya to get the passed balls. Why should the catcher have to get himself killed in a tight spot when it's not his idea to put on the suicide squeeze in the first place? When in Rome, comb your hair like the Romans do. If it's all the same to you, who could tell the difference? He's smarter when he drinks because he has a high IQ. I'm just a phone's throw away. That's a hard knuckle to crack. When a night game goes into extra innings, I just want to call it a day. It's easy to give advice.  What's hard is tellin' someone what you would do. Three to one it's an even bet. What's wrong with a pork barrel?  I mean, where else are ya gonna put the fat? You'll never get even goin' one on one. You can chase a curve ball by letting it come to you. I've steered a lot of runners home where they belong. Give a man a base on balls and he's going to roll with it. Doing color is easy because it's all in black and white. Some pitchers are hard to catch but others don't go so fast. Other catchers got a golden glove but I caught a brown mitt. In response to "Yogi, do you think anyone should drive home drunk", Berra said "it depends on what estate you're in." Asked if intentional walks were okay, Yogi replied "sure, if the dog's wants to go, you gotta pay attention." He's like a pitchin' machine and everyone is having batting practice. When asked why he forgot the name of the pageant winner, Yogi said "sorry for the misconfusion." The ump was so officious I had to odor up a new rule book. For ballpark fare, I think a dog with sauerkraut is the wurst. Gator never threw himself out of a game. Gettin' hit by a fast ball ain't no walk in the park. The burgers were gettin' so small at the park that I threw a slider at the concessionaire. I remember Gaylord Perry every time I oil a mitt. Clemens didn't throw no broken bat at Piazza, he was just trying to piece it together. When asked if he watched tape, Yogi said "no, it's usually on my glove hand." When asked what he'd do if Marichal ever hit him with a bat, Yogi said "beats me." When asked about his two best pals, Yogi said "they're a couple of real Joes." When asked how long he'd have to play to outdo a golf pro, Yogi said "516 yards." In reply to "do you prefer catchin' a no-hitter or hittin' a homer?", Yogi says "it's best to hit a homer against a no-hitter." They gotta call the game 'cause of the platter puss...there's so much rain that I can see my reflection on home plate.